Well for today's lesson, I am still processing it so I am writing it as I go, I paid Todd the money today for my usual monthly sponsorship as well as the focus on mission: Haiti money which I have saved from my grocery money $200 and the sponsorship money from Pastor Colin $140 plus the $200 donation from the Youth Group totalled $585 which I rounded up to $600NZD, however the exchange rate brought it down to $450USD, so I paypalled that amount only to have the exchange rate change again so it is going to cost me $622NZD so I have put in an extra $37. All for a good cause.
I face booked Todd and told him I had sent the money so he could look out for it, he replied that he was very happy to receive it and it would go towards paying the teachers Christmas bonuses.
Initially when I read that I was happy he had received it, until I read his comment about where it was going to. That was a shock to me because in my preconceived mind I had assumed it would go directly to the children of Haiti. I found myself thinking "what am I doing this for?" "this is a huge sacrifice on my part - do they realise what food means to me?" "What about the children?" etc etc. But before I let it get away with me I took it to God and shared all my emotions and thoughts, rants and raves with Him. I didnt want to resent what I am doing, with the money I send not being used where I thought it should be used. But God said "Hang On" When I decided to do this I wasnt thinking about where the money would go to or for what purpose.
God asked me to:
- "have one meal a day for 5 days" (tick),
- "get one sponsor per month to put in what I am putting in and for accountability" (tick),
- "to raise awareness about Haiti with others". (tick).
Then I started thinking about why Todd would want to use the money for the teachers and their Christmas bonuses, and I begun to realise that they too have experienced sacrifices, more sacrifices that I could ever dream about, they have given up friends and family to live in Haiti, they have sacrificed jobs/ careers to be teachers/missionaries, they have sacrificed food too. they only get to eat what is available in the country whereas I can eat what I have around me when I am allowed to eat. Also God pointed out to me that maybe Todd had prayed for the money to come in for the Christmas bonuses so the money I have sent could be an answer to prayer. Also God has blessed me with so much, who am I to decide who else gets blessed. That is God's job not mine.
I suppose one of the reasons why I got upset is because I have control issues. Not being in control of what others do. I am especially thinking of churches that keep tithes in the bank instead of sharing where the needs of the people are and helping others. I know a couple of churches who are guilty of that. I have a problem understanding why they would hold onto something that isnt theirs. But as God pointed out yet again, I am only responsible and accountable to tithe my money, I am not responsible or accountable as to how and where that money gets spent. Again I am a link in the chain.
Todd if you read this, please know that I am not sorry for what I am doing and I am happy for you to decide where and how the money gets used. I am doing my bit and you my friend are doing yours. I am also pleased that God is using me and teaching me on a daily basis and that I am not perfect, nor do I desire to be, I am on a journey, a journey of discovery, a journey that has good lessons to learn, lessons like this that challenge my thinking and cause me to sit up and take notes. A journey that is life changing.
How about you my friends are you learning, changing, growing, surrendering on a daily basis too? Can I challenge you to ask God where you should be and what you should be doing? I know that if you do - He will answer.
Until next time
Blessings
Karen