Honest Sharing

today is day 9.  Second post for today.

Just want to share/ get off my chest what I have been going thru for the last few days, not quite sure how to begin,  I am covering myself in the Blood everymorning as soon as I wake up and putting on the Armour of God. No problems there, but I feel distant from God.  I know that He is there and that it must be something that I have done but not getting any answers as to what is wrong if anything and what can I do to restore the relationship. I usually sense God quite strongly because I talk to Him frequently, keep short accounts etc, I havent been worshipping as I usually do so wonder if that has anything to do with what I am feeling.  He is just quiet.  He is answering my prayers and I know that others are praying for me because I feel strenghtened at times throughout my day, but I still feel a distance between me and my God.  If in the past when this happened it was usually because I had unconfessed sin but I am asking God to reveal any and I am soul searching and confessing anything and everything I can think of.  I am completely surrendered to Him and only want what He wants for my life

This journey is not about me but what God is doing thru me and for others, I am totally open to change and welcome it.  Maybe I just have to relax. and enjoy the ride.

Thank You Lord, He has just been revealing to me as I write that I am resisting Matthew and what he wants as head of our family.  My mum in town (she is not my real mum but she treats me like a daughter and loves me for me, I have a good relationship with her) anyway, Rozann has just brought herself a campervan to live in and tour around NZ.  well that got us thinking and talking, Matthew wants us as a family to get a caravan again so we can join her etc.  Me thinking more practical wants to spend the money on finishing our house esp our 90 year old bathroom!  I am embarrassed by our old crappy bathroom, it is functional and nothing else.  So I would rather spend the money on a new bathroom as we had planned before it falls apart and not on a caravan. I also didnt want to spend money because of this year long focus on missions - how would it look if we are spending money on a caravan when others are starving? Not a good look.  I didnt want the caravan to overstep our dream of going overseas and helping others.  Anyway Matthew went ahead and asked the bank and yesterday the bank said yes to the caravan!  I have just been told I was sulking and not respecting Matthew's authority as head of the house.  Forgive me Lord, I am very sorry,  Matthew has the right to make decisions for our family as he is looking out for our interests too. 

Wow o wow, what a revelation. I honestly did not realise, I knew I was feeling anti and resisting because I only want what God wants for us and I could not really see how a caravan would fit into God's plan for us, but what if this is of God????   Help me Lord to understand.  I know that You want good things for Your children and I know that You reward the faithful but Lord I still feel guilty accepting something when so many others have so less or even nothing

Isnt our God so good? I feel like crying right now, sorry I am typing things as they come into my mind.  Dont mind me.  I feel much better after confessing.  Now I have to wait for Matthew to get home so I can apologize to him too.

Going to go now and wipe my eyes as I can hardly see, I might feed the children morning tea and put a worship CD on.  Bye for now